Saturday, February 19, 2011

My inner gunk

I'm far from perfect and I don't have it all together. Don't even think it for a minute.
I battle between who I want to be and who I really am.
Really, I want to be perceived as things I’m not. So, I'm laying it all out there.

I’d like to be a relaxed mother who doesn't get stressed. Truth is, I'm probably stressed more than I am relaxed.

I’d like to be an all natural/ organic gal. One who recycles, composts, garden grows, and lives off the land. I’m not that though. I clean my toilets with bleach, wear Maybelline makeup, and throw cardboard in my plastic trash bags.

I want to be a person who doesn’t care what people think. It's a constant battle.

I’d like to be thought of as intelligent. I’m just an average joe that knows surface knowledge about not a whole lot.

I’d love to be a well traveled. I’ve never had a passport:(

I’d like to think I’m living Radically.( David Platt) But fear keeps me living comfortably.

I’d like to be well read. I start more books than I finish, actually.

I want to be a risk taker. I cling to safety, security, and comfort.

I’d like to be a skinny thang. I’ll just keep taking pictures of my face so you think I am.

I'd like to be organized. My cupboards, closets, drawers, and purses turn to tornado condition in days.

I clean my house when people come over to make it look like I keep a clean house. Truth is, there's usually laundry unfolded, dishes in the sink, food under the table, and legos everywhere.

Ewwww. That all feels gross to write and to read because I'm trying to make people think I'm something I'm not. Some of these things I can set personal goals to work on. Yet, I realize I have been born with gifts and talents. There are other areas that will never come natural for me. Yet I spend foolish energy seeking to become something I am not.

So, more importantly than who I am not, who am I?
I feel most alive when I'm loving people.

I truly care about people. I seek to know others and be known deeply.

I seek to live life meaningfully and not over commit.

I feel alive when I’m doing something creative.

I’m motivated by making things beautiful. (flowers, baked goods, walls, tables, outfits)

I am drawn to love my husband, children, family, and friends with sacrificial love.

I'm loved just the way I am by my Creator and I'm learning to love that me and be freed from all the bondage and chains that hold me back from truly living.

I'm an unraveled mess of imperfection yet I know wholeness can come through this disaster!

I'm beautiful. I just don't see through those eyes YET.


Lynne Ricard said... are beautiful! You are REAL!! Keep doing what you are doing!! Blessings continue...

James Parkinson said...

This is a interesting post you made? I liked reading it cause it makes me think about my life in general. Growing up you always seemed like a wonderful gal and I'm sure you still are! Change can be good.... Step out and do different things! Life is awesome! One more thing... You have such a beautiful family!

Amy said...

You and all of us are gross inside, as we have fallen short. But, you in Christ -- amazing, my sweet friend - as you so exude the radiance of our Savior. You serve, love, and give -- endlessly. It is natural to you and your desire for more reflects your heart in being what God would desire. You live a life that blesses ME and so many others, most importantly your special family. All that you touch is so beautiful - I learn from you!

Marla said...

You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. Please don't tell if you ever get it all together because then I won't like you as much!!!

Sarah said...

This post rings true for so many of us. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share, Haylee! :-)