Sunday, May 10, 2009

To be a mom

I'm home from church today. I'm not home because I'm sick or because I don't like church. I'm home because I felt like I needed to be. I needed time alone to reflect, worship, and just be. Happy Mother's Day to me:)

I enjoyed a great morning with my family. Ryan made me breakfast which was supposed to be in bed but I got up early:) The kids made cards and loved on me. So precious! Ethan's card shows a picture of him and I. Ellia drew me a picture of a kitty. It didn't look like her normal cat she draws and she said this one has pokey things on it and it's mad. I'm not going to analyze that too much:)

I am refreshed as I sit here in the quiet. I thought I would listen to podcast sermons while my family is away but instead I'm just to be quiet. I'm thinking about being a mom and what that means in my life.

I grew up with a great mom. She was fun, nurturing, and creative! She set boundaries, disciplined in love, and laughed with us a lot! I have many wonderful memories growing up and I desire for my kids to have treasured memories as well! I'm thankful I had such a great mom and that I didn't come into motherhood with pains and wounds from this relationship. My parents are coming for lunch today and I celebrate my strong and silly mom today!

Ethan was dealing with selfish behavior this morning. It was a challenge to work through with him. Ryan and I wonder if he'll get through this. I believe he will. There have been many behaviors and stages that have been difficult but his heart is loving and pure. He's dealing with a battle in his will.
I am too. I shed tears over my children often but so often my heaviest tears come when I lay them before the feet of Jesus, AGAIN. I realize these precious kids are not mine but I fight wanting them to be mine but feeling like I can't do it. I fight fears of letting them into the big bad world. I fight fears of the unknown in their future. I fight fears that I'm raising them all wrong. I fight fears that my parenting is wounding them and I'm squelching their freedom to be who they are made to be.

And then I realize I'm fearing. I don't need to be overcome with fear. I need to give them back and seek the Lord to help me love them. I know I won't do this perfect and that's why I need to lay them at the feet of my Lord. I know my humanness will mess them up in some ways yet I trust even that will be part of their journey of healing, loving, being loved and ultimately their story.
Ethan is learning to surrender his heart in the area of selfishness and I'm an adult still playing tug of war in this same area.

We have small kids and small problems. I sometimes get upset that shredded cheese is all over my floor, that the toilet is clogged with 2 rolls of toilet paper, that there are never ending stains on laundry, that a picky eater exists in this home, or that I hear whining and screaming from battling siblings. I'm then overcome with the thought that they will only be in this home for a short while and soon they will be big people with bigger problems. This excites me to love on them and live the love of Jesus in this home so that when they go out on their own, they will do the same.

More than a clean house, a night's sleep, a stress free life, a stretch mark and cellulite free body, or a peaceful meal, I want these amazing kids to walk in the Love, Truth , and Peace that I know.

Being a mom feels hard sometimes. There have been times when I didn't enjoy being a mom and didn't want to be one. Then I cried because I felt horrible feeling that way:) I believe through grace I've surrendered enough of my selfishness and once felt freedoms that I'm truly able to embrace this journey with JOY! I can truly say that I love being a mom and I'm honored to be entrusted with these precious lives. Today I celebrate that I'm being molded, changed, humbled, and taught amazing life lessons through being a mom.

My quiet time has been amazing but I'm so excited for my kiddos to return home so I can smother them in more love!


Tara said...

That was beautiful Haylee, Happy Mother's Day! You're an amazing mom! Send your mom my love as well, she was a great "friend mom" too! Love you guys!

The Boy said...

Love you, Haybee Sue. You are one of the most amazing moms I know. Hope you have a wonderful mother's day. Tell mom, I love her too.

Tsquared417 said...

Happy Mother's Day!!